Know when to say when

Why I wrote this: To explain why my recipe for an effective apology needed a final step: stop talking.

Why you may want to read this: It’s fun reading about people who can’t seem to help themselves.

Why you may not: It involves TikTok.

As some of you may know, I fancy myself as something of an armchair expert on apologies. Much of this is drawn from personal experience and my own tendency, which was especially pronounced when I was younger, to apologize to such an extent that it was actually annoying. Earlier this year, I wrote a column for Seattle Magazine in which I provided a recipe for saying sorry.

1. State what it is you said or did.

2. Acknowledge the impact your actions had.

3. Apologize.

4. (optional) A brief — I mean BRIEF — explanation

5. State any offers of amends or changes you will make.

6. (optional) Repeat your apology.

Over the past several days, I have become aware that my recipe — while well-intentioned — is missing a seventh and crucial step:

7. Do not keep addressing the situation. I mean it. Shut up. If someone asks you a direct question about it, say that you regret what you did, that you recognize the mistakes you made and you will be cognizant of repeating those.

   Addtiionally, do not ever EVER complain the intensity of the pushback you’re receiving. I can not stress this enough. Any reference to the criticism you’ve faced will dilute and potentially negate the effectiveness of your apology and you’ll be right back in the hole where you started.

I’ll explain why using a very specific example.

(Author’s note: I won’t be using names not because they’re a secret, but because the individuals involved are not the point.)

Earlier this summer, a TikTok account that covers the Bay Area food scene posted a video about her trip to visit a specific wine bar. She had set up what I’ve come to understand is a “collab” meaning the restaurant had agreed to host her in exchange for her featuring their restaurant and reviewing the food.

When she arrived, she was greeted by the host who’d arranged the visit. Then, a second man who was working at the restaurant proceeded to question the host who’d arranged the collaboration. He asked about the TikToker’s credentials while standing just a few feet away from her. He began to critique her content. He asked if she even knew who he was. She left the restaurant deeply upset. She did not eat there.

The TikToker posted about it:

@itskarlabb

its a long video and not something i would normally upload but i feel like i had to talk about this experience. i basically ran out of the... See more

It blew up. More than 25 million people have seen her original video, and while she didn’t specify the restaurant nor the individual who had been so callous and dismissive, people figured out the name of the chef in question.

If you’re familiar with how the Internet works these days, you can guess what happened next: the shaming. A virtual dogpile in which a whole run of people express their personal disgust with this type of behavior. One dude’s call for a boycott amassed something like 3 million views.

Within a matter of days, the chef released a statement through the wine bar’s Instagram. You know what? It was a pretty good apology.

He went on to ask that the restaurant’s staff and his family members not to blamed for his actions. He also apologized to his daughter, who became involved only because the chef had pointed out how many TikTok followers she had during his initial encounter at the restaurant.

Let’s get the Sorry Scorecard.

1. State what it is you said or did.

   ✅ “I was condescending, hurtful and intimidating.”

2. Acknowledge the impact your actions had.

   ✅ “You did not deserve to be made to feel less than or unimportant.”

3. Apologize.

   ✅ “I am truly sorry for my actions towards you.”

4. (optional) A brief — I mean BRIEF — explanation

   ✅ “I also want to be clear the responsibility of this whole situation is mine alone and my behavior should not be a reflection on anyone else who works there, or anyone who is related to me.”

5. State any offers of amends or changes you will make.

6. (optional) Repeat your apology.

   ✅ “I am sorry for disrespecting all your efforts and hard work to build your careers.”

The fallout was fairly extreme. Kis Cafe announced it was closing. Initially, this was going to be for the weekend. It became permanent. Additionally, a separate sushi restaurant the chef was involved with — a restaurant that was not involved in the incident — began receiving negative attention online.

I’m going to pause here for a second.

I can see how the chef in question might feel that all of this is unfair.

He was (admittedly) rude to someone who had been invited to his restaurant. It was bad behavior.

Does that really merit the shuttering of a business which customers may have enjoyed and workers were depending on? Should it threaten the existence of another restaurant that was unvinvolved?

I want to be clear: I’m not saying I believe any of this was unfair. I am saying that I could see how someone could feel that it is.

Personally, I tend to take a much more practical and much less moral or ethical view of these sorts of things. When you’re involved in a business that depends on public perception, as a restaurant most certainly does, it’s risky to behave like a jerk.

Is this entirely fair? Maybe not, but it’s reality, and while I would understand if he is frustrated watching his businesses being swallowed up because of the fallout from his bad behavior, I would also say—unequivocally—that saying any of this out loud is a truly terrible idea.

(Spoiler alert: This is exactly what the chef did.)

• A conversation with the SF chef taken down by a TikTok influencer

  By Sara Deseran | The San Francisco Standard

This is one of the more truly unbelievable things I’ve read because of how systematically he retraced his steps, exhibiting the exact dismissive and arrogant attitude that got him into trouble in the first place.

As a reporter, there were times in which I was subjected to similar inquiries from an interview subject. I considered it part of the give-and-take between the press and the participants.

One difference though: The players and coaches who did that hadn’t invited me into their locker room to talk. They were answering questions because the league required it.

This TikToker? She didn’t show up out of the blue. If she was so unqualified in the eyes of this chef, why was she invited to the restaurant then?

So according to the chef, his problem is that his expectations were too high for the person his business partner had invited to be a guest in their restaurant. 

And given her ignorance, he could see how his questions were intimidating.

Well, in reading his reconstruction of events, I think he makes himself out to be just as big an (orafice) as he sounded in the TikTok post that set this whole thing off.

He has every right to be dismissive and condescending to people he doesn’t respect. Those people also have the right to talk about the way they’ve been treated, and if he still can’t understand the potential consequences of doing that in public, well, maybe he’s not a good candidate for being in a front-facing role at a businesses that depends on public perception.

What jumped out to me most was a comment he made toward the end. The interviewer asked him how this situation would have played out in 2000, which is absolutely begging for a man to talk about how much better things used to be:

I heard a variation of this for years while working in sports media. People would complain about the bloggers, the podcasters and today it’s the streamers. They don’t know what it takes to cover a subjective objectively. To actually interview players or to cover a difficult story objectively. 

These sentiments are the dying whinge of the people who resent the new, more egalitarian order of modern media. They pine for the good ol’ days when you didn’t have to care what everyone thinks, and when they say that, what I really think they mean is that they missed being able to talk down to and badger people who had less power or status than they did. They hate it now because their bad behavior has the potential to create a forest fire of negativity in which people who have none of their qualifications or expertise are judging them.

And if you feel this way, well, my only piece of advice is to keep your mouth shut because if you start talking, those feelings are going to work their way into your words and you’ll wind up having to apologize. Again.