First, attribution. While all but the first two lines of this poem are original composition, the concept and structure is drawn from “100 Little Curses” a song by the Streetsweeper Social Club, which includes The Coup’s Boots Riley and Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine.
Here’s what I hope for you, Larry Scott
I hope your champagne is flat,
I hope your pinot is sour,
I hope your Viagra-induced boner lasts for more than four hours.
You built this whole network,
You couldn't get on DirecTV,
Now for the rest of your life, I hope it burns when you pee.
I hope you invested in crypto,
I hope you went to Fyre Fest,
I hope you get an itchy rash and it spreads all over your chest.
I hope you eat spoiled chicken,
I hope you puke up your guts,
And when you’re bent over the toilet, I hope you get kicked in your nuts.
(Chorus)
I hope your identity gets stolen and that means you lose all your cash,
You ruined my conference, and now I hope your life sucks ass.
I hope your bank card gets eaten,
I hope your credit goes bad,
I hope you wind up on Maury finding out, “You ARE my Dad!”
I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue,
That next letter you mail,
I hope you fall in the water every time that you sail.
(Chorus)
Now two schools are gone, the Huskies now stuck with the Ducks,
The Pac-12 is dead, and I do hope your life actually sucks.
I hope your Mercedes breaks down,
Your Jaguar, too,
I hope your next candy bar is nothing but poo.
I hope you get a sliver in your thumb
And it's really hard to get out,
I hope it gets infected and then you come down with gout.
You wasted our money,
You set it on fire,
I hope you eat that TV network, wire by wire.
(chorus)
I hope your identity gets stolen,
I hope you lose all your cash,
You ruined my conference, I hope your life sucks ass.