Just a heads-up that I’m going to be trying a little bit of a different format this week with a Seattle-oriented sports item up top of each newsletter with a longer entry following.

We start with the Mariners, who stopped making sense this weekend in a most enjoyable fashion by touching up a previously untouchable pitcher and taking two out of three games from an Astros team that has had Seattle’s number for more than three years now.

Then we’re going to show how fantasy football and one humorous Gif (with a hard ‘g’) led to an open-handed slap and a three-game suspension for the Reds’ Tommy Pham. As always, I’m open to feedback so feel free to chime in about how you’re feeling about the content:

Justin Verlander had allowed a total of seven earned runs in his eight starts this season. He had not allowed a run in any of his previous three starts. So of course the Seattle Mariners — big boppers that they’ve been this year — went out Friday roughed up Verlander. Julio Rodriguez and Kyle Lewis homered in the first inning, the Mariners scored four in that opening frame and won 6-1. Seattle collected 10 hits off of Verlander, the most the pitcher had allowed in any start since 2017 when he was still pitching for Detroit.

The Mariners had lost eight of their last 10 games entering the series against Houston, which was 4-2 against Seattle this season and 40-14 (!!!) against the Mariners going back to the start of the 2019 season. So of course Seattle went out and played its absolute best series of the season, holding the Astros to a combined total of three runs over the three games and taking two of three.

The bad news for Seattle? It’s facing the gawdoffal Baltimore Orioles on Tuesday at 4 p.m. Pacific, and that could be a problem since it seems to be playing first-place teams that brings out the best in Seattle.

Reds outfielder Tommy Pham slapped Giants outfielder Joe Pederson, in the fact, when the two crossed paths during batting practice before Friday’s game between the Cincinnati Reds.

There’s even video:

Now, we’re going to put a microscope over this confrontation in an effort to determined: Who’s the (orifice)?

The argument traces back to a fantasy-football league. Yeah. A fantasy-football league. Not only that, but it was about an argument relating to Pederson placing one his players — who was ruled out — on injured reserve as Pederson explained in detail after Friday’s confrontation:

Clearly, nothing that happens in a fantasy football league merits violence even if it is with an open hand. However, as someone with any amount of experience administering a fantasy-football league will tell you, emotions can run high. And the one thing about Pederson’s description that gave me pause was when he mentioned taking a screen shot of the rules of the league to prove his point.

I believe this screen shot is the most compelling piece of evidence that Pederson was the (orifice). 

No one likes screen-shot proof guy, OK? I guess the kids refer to it as “receipts” these days, but speaking for myself, I don’t need to see anyone’s amateur detective proof. In fact, I used to work with a guy who would regularly do this. I texted him to check the date I had agreed to cover for him. He texted back that I had the wrong date, pointing out the right one. Before I could even respond to thank him for correcting me, I had a screen shot of the original exchange showing that I had agreed to the date he specified. Dude! I didn’t doubt you. The reason I asked is because I wanted to make sure.

I say that not to justify Pham’s reaction, but to say that I could understand how the provision of texticular proof of a fantasy-football rule could rub another man’s rhubarb.

But then I saw Pham’s explanation as recorded by someone (like me) who has no idea how to use a phone:

What I took from this is that Pham believes Pederson broke some sort of code because he sent a text that Pham described as disrespectful and because he felt Pederson wasn’t following the rules in a fantasy football league that had some significant money involved. Man, even before I heard Pederson’s response, I knew that Pham was overly sensitive and overly aggressive, which in my experience is the worst possible combination for someone with whom to enjoy recreational activities like fantasy football. You never know what’s going to set them off, and when they are set off, the escalation is wildly out of proportion with the offense.

Pederson’s explanation sealed it:

The text with disrespectful (stuff) was a video of three different weight-lifters trying to lift a ridiculously heavy burden. The logos of the Padres, the Giants and the Dodgers were graphically imposed behind the three weight-lifters. The lifter in front of the San Diego logo is the one who ultimately falters and fails to lift the weight, which symbolized the Padres failure after all their big-budget expenditures to make the playoffs last season.

And after Pham stated he didn’t know Pederson well enough to joke like that, Pederson texted that it was supposed to be in good fun, and meant no disrespect.

The clinching piece of evidence here that Pham is the (orifice) in this situation: He’s the one who left the fantasy football league, which says to me everyone was so sick of him and his macho male crap that they let him take his money and go home so they didn’t have to deal with his crap anymore.

Oh, and it’s worth noting that Pham’s contention was he felt Pederson was “messing” with his money by using the fantasy-football injury list. Pham — for his slap of Pederson — was suspended for three games, which translates to $111,111.11 worth of salary.

Let me close this by pointing out that this could only happen in a group of dudes. I say that neither as a compliment nor a criticism. Just as a fact. Any collection of men numbering more than six, left alone without female supervision for an extended period of time, will witness the rise of an incredibly stupid conflict that is usually precipitated — and then escalated — by one dude who’s dead set on proving a point that only he cares passionately about and the remaining people in the group sit by and hope he settles down before someone gets slapped.

In this case, Pham waited something like seven months and was still the (orifice). It’s to Pederson’s credit that he didn’t fight back and instead answered each and every question about the fantasy-football beef to the most granular detail. Thank you, Joc. Lord’s work you were doing there.