The Dang Apology Case Study

What happened: On Tuesday, May 20, Marc James—the newest member of KJR’s lineup—criticized Ryan Rowland-Smith, saying he couldn’t take someone with an Australian accent seriously as a baseball broadcaster.

Luke Arkins, who writes about the Mariners in his thoroughly excellent newsletter, appeared as a guest on James’s show that day. Afterward, Arkins noted his objection to James’s criticism of Rowland-Smith and stated he would not be joining James’s program in the future.

James did not, in retrospect, take this in stride:

Usually, I do a good job of pretending that I am out of the loop on what happens in Seattle sports radio. In this case, I actually was out of the loop. I didn’t know any of this happened until Wednesday morning when someone who still works in the market sent me a screen shot of James’s Angry Internet Response to Luke.

It was like catnip, and I plunged fully and completely into the rabbit hole of both James’s work history as well as Seattle’s response to his criticism of Ryan and Luke.

On Thursday, James started his show with what (I think) is referred to as a cold open. No intro music, just him saying he was sorry.

As you know, I fancy myself to be something of an expert when it comes to apologies. Some of this is due to the (extensive) experience I’ve had with apologizing. Some of this is because I’m very interested in the psychology of grudges and forgiveness and all of the complicated emotions that are woven into this. I’ve written about apologies specifically in this newsletter. It is the subject of my column in the next issue of Seattle Magazine.

I’ve even come up with something of a formula for a good apology:

• Specify what you are apologizing for.

• Express remorse for your action(s).

• Acknowledge the impact your action(s) had on the person(s) you’re apologizing to.

• Lay out a plan moving forward. This can include offers to make amends or outlining actions you will take going forward to prevent this from occurring again.

There are two caveats:

1. After acknowledging the impact your actions had, you may briefly (BRIEFLY!) explain your underlying intentions or what you hoped would happen if it was different than the actual outcome. This must be brief. You also must acknowledge your underlying intentions are not as important as what actually happened.

2. Under no circumstances are you to say, “That wasn’t me,” or any variation thereof. While we are not defined by our worst moments, we can’t disown them outright, either.

Now I’m going to move on to the content of James’s apology. I’m not doing this to question the sincerity of his words or to infer that he doesn’t actually mean what he says.

I’m doing this because I think that apologies—at their core—are about more than expressing regret. A well-constructed apology provides a framework for everyone involved to move forward, and this one is a little spotty:

The positives:

• He clearly expressed remorse.

• He absolutely accepted responsibility.

• He did lay out a plan moving forward.

The negatives:

• He did not specify what he was apologizing for.

• He sought to characterize this as an outlier, saying “that was not me” and “this is not indicative of the type of human being that I am.”

The Dang Apology Grade: C-

No one wants to be defined by their worst moments.

I believe, however, that spelling out exactly what happened might be the most important element of the entire process not just because it makes an apology more effective but because it makes it clear you recognize what happened and want to be different going forward.

I did this. I can see why it hurt you. I’m sorry that I did this. I won’t do it again.

This type of radical accountability is really hard. At least it has been for me. It’s much easier to say that we’re flawed than it is to spell out what our flaws are.

I’ll give an example: Back in early 2012, my sister’s husband was dying of colon cancer. They were living with my Mom along with their two children, and I flew into town to be with them as did my younger brother.

The evening I arrived, I got very angry at my brother and I instigated several very emotional arguments with him. At one point, after we’d walked down the street to the next block, I clenched my fist and stepped toward him. He recoiled, thinking I might hit him.

I remain deeply embarrassed by what I did. First, I prioritized my own emotions, which impacted my ability to provide emotional support for my sister at a time when her husband was dying. Second, by staging a series of confrontations with my brother, I impacted not just his ability to support my sister but my Mom and others in the house as well.

I put my own emotional needs ahead of those of my sister at a time when she needed and deserved every ounce of support and attention my family and I had.

I’ve told both my siblings how sorry I am about that. I remain deeply embarrassed by it, and I hope that my awareness of both what happened and the consequences will help me from preventing a similar mistake in the future.

On the one hand, I’m fortunate that none of this happened in a public forum whereas James’s criticism of Ryan and his response to Luke were out in plain view. On the other hand, the stakes in my family were pretty high at that time, and while I don’t want to minimize the impact of James’s words, I also think it’s fair to say this isn’t all that serious.

I know Ryan and Luke. I consider them both to be friends, and while I will admit to feeling defensive of them when I saw James’s words, I don’t think either one is going to let this affect either what they do or how they feel about themselves.

Additionally, while I was never a full-time host at KJR, I know—and have a great deal of affection for—a number of people who work there. Ian Furness is generous enough to have me on his show every week. I know how complicated it can be when you work at a radio station and someone on the staff does something that upsets either the audience or the teams you cover. It’s hard. Ian specifically is a really good dude who has built a great show and a really admirable career in Seattle.

What I will say is that I have nothing against James personally in any way shape or form. I’ve never met him nor interacted with him nor do I have any real opinion on what should or should not happen to him or his show going forward.

I know that if you talk on the radio long enough, you’re bound to say things you regret. I believe that all of us are flawed to varying degrees and that making the most of any opportunities we get to learn from our mistakes is the best we can hope for during our time on this mortal coil.

Sorry this was so long.