Opposite ends of the QB spectrum

It’s tempting to say that Seattle is in the honeymoon phase with its new quarterback.

That’s not quite right, though. Because while the Seahawks and Sam Darnold are certainly in a relationship, they’re not quite married in the NFL economy. They haven’t even had to navigate their first bumpy stretch of road.

This is more like the excitement that comes at the beginning of a relationship. When every new fact feels like a revelation and you’re ordering appetizers AND dessert every time you go out. When everything is bright and vibrant and any worries you have about whether this will last are drowned out by the unrestrained exhilaration you feel in their presence.

You are twitterpated as it was described out in the Disney classic “Bambi.”

Seattle is not alone in its infatuation with its quarterback. Indianapolis is making the same sort of goo-goo eyes over Daniel Jones and New England is absolutely mooning over Drake Maye.

Seattle’s opponent this Sunday sits at the other end of the spectrum.

The Arizona Cardinals will be starting Jacoby Brissett, coach Jonathan Gannon announced earlier this week. This was a bit of a departure because for the past couple of weeks, Gannon left open the possibility Kyler Murray would be back from a foot injury.

Now, Murray is on injured reserve, and while Gannon said the decision was based on Murray’s health (or his lack thereof), later conceded that performance was part of it.

So let’s read between the lines: This is the NFL equivalent of breaking up over text.

Murray—the No. 1 overall pick in 2019—is on the outs in Arizona. He might play again in Arizona this year, but it’s hard to see him back with the Cardinals next season.

It reminds me of the time I had a friend who was dumped by the girl he was living with, but there were still two months left on their lease. Each one spent those two months doing as much as they could to avoid being around the other.

Arizona isn’t the only team going through this sort of soft divorce. The same thing is happening between Miami and Tua Tagovailoa and the Jets and Justin Fields.

At this point, you might be wondering if I’m going to sort the rest of the league’s quarterback situations into relationship categories. Yes, in fact, I am. I’m just going to give you a break before I continue doing that by linking to my podcast appearances and talking about the trash in New York City.

There was an issue with garbage collection in my neighborhood the past two days. Perhaps you can tell from the picture I took as I returned from walking my dog in Riverside Park:

If you’re shocked to see plastic trashbags piled three-high on the sidewalk, it’s only because you live in a civilized place that understands the value of placing garbage in containers that are both designated and designed to contain it prior to its removal by a waste-management company.

New York abandoned such niceties starting back in 1969. The exact chain of events included a sanitation strike, plastic-bag manufacturers seeing an opportunity to expand their market and a city desperate for space.

The result is a comically absurd situation in which the grossest of garbage gets placed into a plastic bag which is then dropped directly onto the sidewalk until it can be picked up by a sanitation worker who flings it into a truck so it can be removed from the city.

I’m certainly not the first to compare the relationship between NFL teams and their respective quarterbacks as if they were romantic pairings. In fact, The Ringer has its own “Commitment Index.”

It’s a cliché at this point, but that’s because there are some actual parallels between finding a long-term quarterback in the NFL and falling in love in life.

• Both require a leap of faith.

• Each will include emotional ups and down.

• Ultimately, their viability comes down to the ability to navigate tension and resolve conflict.

We haven’t gotten to that part with Sam Darnold, though. It’s been all sunshine and contented sighs so far. So let’s start with some couples who’ve proven their ready for the long haul:

😍 Happily married 😍 

“We’re both just happy we found each other in this crazy world. Doesn’t mean we don’t fight. Doesn’t mean there aren’t moments one of us daydreams about what it would be like to be on our own, but it’s never that serious. We’ve got joint accounts, a mortgage and a family. We’re not going anywhere (as far as you know).”

🤨 It’s great, why do you keep asking 🤨

“Everything is fine. Seriously. No relationship is perfect. There are ups and downs, but we’re adults and we know that marriages take work. There are things he does that have caused me to consider the actual logistics of leaving in the dead of the night but I know I’m not the easiest person to be with either. We’re grown-ups and we’ve built a life together that is (overall) very, very good.”

😰 He’s ‘The One.’ At least I think he is. God, I hope he is. 😰

“He’s the franchise quarterback we’ve been waiting for. I’m sure of it. At least I think I’m pretty sure, except there’s some times that he doesn’t look like he understands how to move through his progressions. Oh God, I hope he’s ‘The One’ because I have no idea what we’re going to do if hes not ‘The One.’ I mean, you can’t use that high of a pick and not have it turn out well, and remember that Josh Allen looked absolutely freaking terrible for the first two years of his career and now he might be the best player in football. It’s like Minnesota coach Kevin O’Connell says, quarterbacks don’t fail teams so much as teams fail young quarterbacks so we’ve got to be patient and grateful for what we have because he’s clearly ‘The One.’ Unless he’s not. Oh God what if he’s not ‘The One’? No, he totally is.”

🚧 Workable relationship 🚧 

“Fresh flowers and candle-lit dinners may be nice at first, but that stuff wears off. What makes a marriage work is learning not to expect too much from each other. As long as you take out the trash one out of every two times I ask, don’t leave your dirty underwear balled up in the floor on the bathroom and say something once a month that makes me actually laugh we should be able to continue on until one of us drops dead and then the other can go look for an adequate and generally unexciting co-habitant.”

😀 Puppy love 😃 

“I’m happy. Soooooo happy. Can you believe how great he is? He opens the door for me, he listens attentively to my stories even if they lack a payoff and when I called him because I needed someone to help me move a couch he came right over. Seriously, he’s just the best. I have no idea what happened before he got here, but he is absolutely the best because this is so freaking awesome. I can’t wait until we go out again on Sunday!”

😐️ It’s over 😐️ 

“I don’t want him to go away mad, I just want him to go away. Seriously. I’m not going to complain about the way he crunched his ice cubes while playing video games for hours or the fact he left the dishes in the sink. I don’t want to talk about what could have gone differently. After this season ends on Jan. 4, 2026, all his stuff needs to be moved out and then we’ll go our separate ways.”

🤷 What else am I going to do 🤷 

“Look, he’s not the reason things are bad right now. He’s also not capable of making things better so what we’ve got to do is try not to blame each other for this absolutely awful mess that we find ourselves in.”